You don’t deserve the abuse, it’s definitely not your fault and you don’t have to live with it.
What Is Mental & Emotional Abuse?
Although you may be aware of the common signs of emotional abuse and manipulation, it can be easy to overlook the subtle early warning signs when you are in an abusive situation. These subtle signs can eventually escalate into a persistent pattern of abusive behavior.
Emotional abuse is a type of abuse that involves using words, actions, and a pattern of behavior to control, intimidate, or isolate the victim. It may not involve physical violence, but it may include threats of violence. Emotional abuse can start slowly and become more frequent over time. It is characterized by the abuser’s words, actions, and the consistency of these behaviors.
Abuse can occur in any relationship and affect people of any age or gender. The abuser may be a spouse, romantic partner, business partner, parent, caretaker, or even an adult child. It is not limited to romantic relationships. If you believe you’re experiencing emotional abuse, trust your instincts.
You don’t deserve the abuse, it’s definitely not your fault and you don’t have to live with it.
Someone abusing you try to undermine your self-esteem by using one or more of the following techniques:
Humiliation, Negating & Criticizing
Name Calling and Derogatory Nicknames:
They’ll call you “ugly,” “stupid,” “fat,” or use other insults. Maybe they use terms of “endearment” that actually highlight things you’re sensitive about — “my little butterball” or “my messy girl” — and ignore your requests to stop.
Character Assassination
This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, argumentative and so on. They might say these things to you or use them to describe your behavior to others.
Yelling, Screaming & Swearing
They can intimidate you and make you feel small and unimportant. Maybe they never hit you, but they do pound their fist, throw things, or damage property.
Patronizing
They belittle you by saying things like, “I know you try, but you just aren’t capable of understanding.”
Public Embarrassment
They pick fights, share your secrets, or air your shortcomings in public.
Dismissiveness
You share something important to you and they reply with, “What? Who cares about that?” The cut you off and ignore that you just want to be heard. Body language like eye rolling, smirking, head shaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
Joking
When you tell them that what they’ve said hurt you, they snap at you and say something like, “Can’t you take a joke? Grow up.” You’re left feeling foolish and wondering whether you are, in fact, too sensitive.
Insulting Your Appearance
They constantly tell you that your to fat or to skinny, you dress inappropriately. Or they constantly say you’re lucky they chose you, since they could find someone so much more attractive.
Belittling Your Accomplishments
They brush off your achievements, saying they don’t matter, or claim responsibility for your successes.
Putting Down Your Interests
They suggest your hobby is a waste of time. “You’ll never be any good at the piano, so why do you keep trying?” Really, they’d rather you not participate in activities without them.
Pushing Your Buttons
Once they find something that annoys you or makes you uncomfortable, they begin to mention it every chance they get, ignoring your requests that they stop.
Control & Shame
Making Threats
They imply or say outright that they’ll fire you or report you for being an unfit parent. They might even say something like, “There’s no telling what I might do,” to keep things vague and leave you afraid.
Monitoring Your Whereabouts
They want to know where you are, always, and insist you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up at your work or school, just to check you did actually go there.
Spying on You Digitally
They demand your passwords, or insist you go password-free, and regularly check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They of course don’t allow you to look at their phone or computer.
Gaslighting
Someone abusing you may deny that specific events, arguments, or agreements ever happened. This tactic can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your mental health and well-being.
Making All the Decisions
This might involve closing a joint bank account and canceling doctor’s appointments. They may insist you withdraw from school and resign from work — or do so on your behalf. Or maybe they tell you what to wear, what to eat (and how much), or which friends you can spend time with.
Controlling Your Access to Finances
They keep bank accounts in their name and make you ask for money. They also expect you to keep your receipts and account for every penny you spend.
Emotional Blackmailing
Someone using this tactic will attempt to get you to do things by manipulating your feelings. They might use tricky questions to “test” you, take on the role of victim, or try to guilt-trip you.
Lecturing You Constantly
After you make a mistake, no matter how minor, they catalog all of your errors with a long monologue. They describe all the ways you’ve fallen short and make it clear they consider you beneath them.
Giving Direct Orders
From, “I don’t care what happened. You stay here until you get that client back, or you’re fired,” to “Stop taking the pill,” they expect you to do everything they say without question.
Having Frequent Outbursts
No matter how you try to please them, they become enraged, angrily shouting about how inconsiderate and uncooperative you are.
Feigning Helplessness
They say they don’t know how to do something, hoping you’ll simply do it yourself instead of taking the time to explain it.
Unpredictability
They explode for no clear reason, then suddenly shower you with affection. Or maybe their mood shifts from upbeat to dark and angry with little warning, leaving you never sure what to expect.
Walking Out
A partner or parent might leave a social event suddenly, so you have no way home. A supervisor might exit during a discussion about your assignment, so your questions remain unresolved.
Stonewalling You
During a disagreement or conflict, they shut down, refusing to respond to your attempts to communicate.
Accusing, Blaming & Denial
Jealousy
They accuse you of flirting or cheating, or say you’d spend all your time with them if you truly loved them.
Using Guilt
They might try to guilt-trip you into doing something by saying things like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
Unrealistic Expectations
They expect you to do what they want, when they want you to do it. They think you should always prioritize their needs, do things according to their standards — and you absolutely shouldn’t hang out with your friends or family if there’s any chance they might need you.
Goading & Blaming
People who manipulate and abuse typically know just how to upset you. But once you do get upset, they pin the blame back on you — after all, it’s your fault for being so sensitive and incompetent.
Denying the Abuse
When you express concerns about their behavior, they might deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought. They may even suggest you’re the one with anger and control issues, or say they only get angry because you’re such a difficult person.
Trivializing
When you explain how much something they said or did upset you and hurt your feelings, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation.
Blaming you for their problems
When things go wrong, they always blame you. If only you’d been a more loving child, a more supportive partner, or a better parent, they might say, their life would be fantastic.
Destroying & Denying
They might throw your phone down to break it, “lose” your car keys, or destroy other important possessions, then deny it or say it happened accidentally.
Emotional Neglect & Isolation
Dehumanizing You
They’ll intentionally look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant.
Keeping You From Socializing
Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.
Invalidating You
They might suggest or say straight out that your needs, boundaries, and desires don’t matter to them.
Trying to Come Between You and Your Family
They’ll tell family members you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions. Later, they might tell you that your loved ones don’t care about you or think there’s something wrong with you.
Using the Silent Treatment
They might ignore your attempts at conversation in person, via text, or over the phone.
Shutting Down Communication
They might wave you off, change the subject, or simply ignore you when you want to talk about important concerns.
Actively Working to Turn Others Against You
They might tell other people in your life, including co-workers, friends, and even your family, that you lie, have lost touch with reality, or have had an emotional breakdown.
Denying Support
When you need emotional support or help with a problem, they might call you needy, say the world can’t stop and wait on your problems, or tell you to toughen up and fix it yourself.
Interrupting
They might get in your face when you’re in the middle of an activity and take away your phone or anything else in your hands to let you know your attention should be on them.
Disputing Your Feelings
No matter what feeling or emotion you express, they might insist you shouldn’t feel that way. For example, “You shouldn’t be angry over that,” or “What have you got to feel sad about?”
